Staynobody

My 71 year old grandma is now a baby?! What?

I just stripped off my Sundayâs best, which in all actuality was pretty darn swanky compared to my typical summer wardrobe which embraces comfort over style. Hell, I could have shown up to church in daisy dukes & a belly shirt and I would have been more dressed up than my usual summer attire. But my lack of fashion is not the story here; I think the more impressive part of this paragraph is that I am implying that I just came from church. Why on earth would a heathen like the Christopher Brandon attend such an atrocious sanctuary? Oh, no reason at all except that my grandmother finally decided that she wanted to be baptized. It only took her 57 years to finally do it & accept god & Jesus as her personal savior. God must be patient; I mean seriously, if someone was sitting on the fence about me for 57 years, I wouldnât even want them to accept me.

My family is a pretty motley looking bunch. Riff raffs! â The whole lot! Why am I yelling? So after my Grandmother was dunked & the preacher was talking about how this is the rebirth & how great god is and whatnot (I admit, my mind started wandering. Suddenly it was more important to stare at the geometric patterns that my pink argyle socks were wearing.) Church was suddenly dismissed and after the 30th hand I shook, a man leaned over to me and said, âSo how does is it feel to have a newly born 71 year old grandma? The new baby in the family! *insert lame chuckle*â Wow, Christians are pretty unfunny. I couldnât even believe heâd say that. In essence the preacher said along the same things as well. He just spruced it up more.

As my Grandmother came out of the womenâs bathroom everybody ambushed her and held hands and sang a hymn. It was so holy and strange & letâs face it, a little disgusting. I mean, she probably just finished peeing and she looked embarrassed, so I imagine it was a no. 1, with a hymn to follow that caused her red face. But that wasnât as strange as me having to hold handâs with two full grown men who I just met seconds before. Al, a minister & Jerome, the only church Negro in attendance. A snap of a finger & heads down, me caught in a man-sandwich singing something about âhe loves me, I come with himâ or something equally as mistaken for innuendo & I swear to you, Jerome totally clutched my hand inappropriately while he was singing.

I must admit church was far more interesting then I thought it would be. By no means am I a Christian nor will I ever attend again. I only went because I was the one who encouraged my grandmother to finally commit to being baptized. In return I promised her that I would go & support her & when I gave her a big hug & told her that I loved her she looked so happy & it will always be a good moment & memory I will forever have of her. Now as far as being hit on by a girl at church, well that will be another post some dayâ as of right now, I think Iâll go make sure the âbabyâ doesnât need to be burped.

Give me Red! / Nancy Boy

*sighs* I am always on the hunt for new bedding. This everlong hunt has taken me to every store imagineable, from the ritzy to the ghetto & everywhere inbetween. One day at one of the ghetto stores, my search for bedding was as unfruitful as trying to grow pineapples in the mojave. However, a pointless little table caught my eye. Such a cute little table, with it's faux-distressed finish and it's salient red streak, I tried to picture it's use in my apartment. After weeks of sitting on it, I came up with this idea to put my equally as cute Technics 1200 on the table and use one of the crates for my records to go underneath, which would also double as a perch for my stereo. (I really have forgot how to write using any sort of structure, bear with me.)

With such a great use I went out and purchased my little cutesy table & proudly walked it into it's new home... only to find that the damn record crate is 0.53 inches too wide to fit under the damn table. Just once, can't the home decor gods be nice to me? Now I am up in arms with this flash piece of furniture. If I was the least bit inclined I'd dismantle the crate and saw off 3/4's an inch but sadly I got a 'D' in wood shop. Which was a hair better than the 'D-' I received in metal shop. So I guess my odds are a bit better then they could be.

Unmanly manly men. What a title.

Picture is strangely not working... so click this.

Axe & Tag doesn't come close.

I have recently been obsessed by the adverts for the 70's aftershave HAI KARATE. I found a bottle in my uncle's little wardrobe that is in my family's garage. Sure it smells like high-hell but it's the name that is so appealing. "Christopher, you smell like ass, what is that god-awful scent you are wearing"... "Hai Karate (insert chopping motion) baby." Damnnnnnn That would be slick.

For your viewing pleasure:

Isn't she the best actress you have ever seen?

my favorite missed connections: #'s 2 & 3

why do you play those games - 31 (pittsburg / antioch)

well i guess its the classic, daughter like mother, well you say i reiund your life because i devorcd you, you keep cheating on me and its my falt. i dont know why i love you, but im gonna handle that problem of mine.you tell everyone think im the fucked up one but little do they know the the sweet princess is actually the devil in disguise. do they know the you fucked my nephew, my best friend when we went on our honeymoon, you fucked your boss, you fucked your dad. well good luck to the next dumb bastard. after your act last nite i dont want to hear or see your face evcer again, oh yeah tell that to eric to people hes my nephew, eat shit and bark at the moon bitch

Wow. I mean, WOW. Who is this woman and how come she didn't fuck me too? I mean, that's quite the list of cheatings. Impressive. Disgusting but impressive. My guess is that she sleeps with anyone who can spell the correct versions of "reiund" & "devorcd". Seeing the spelling, the grammar & the entire paragraph full of god-awful idiocy, my guess... that this relationship failed due to lack of communication. Just a guess.

hey doctor - w4m (oakland piedmont / montclair)

kaiser surgery junior resident
you cut open my butt

let's get ice cream

There is no way this one is real. I mean, not only did this person get surgery at Kaiser but by a Kaiser junior resident. This person never lived to write this missed connection. It's a hoax. Kaiser kills people.

"Man it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot."

It's 8:03 PM, it's 101 degrees Fahrenheit, I want to die.

Currently it's 71 in San Francisco. What a difference a bay makes - Much like the pop standard.

Sunday I spent the day on a little secluded beach in the Point Reyes National Seashoe. It was amazing, my own private beach that usually has Sting Rays in the sand bar but not this time. I know nooks & crannys up & down this coast, if only I still drove. If only. *sighs*

So how is it where you live? Do you feel like a worthless slug in the heat? I have a firm belief that the heat brings out evil in people.

Tomorrow night Kayla & I are going out with a few other couples for dinner. Normally this sounds like a wretched idea but last week we did this on my birthday & it was suprisingly fun. Entertaining to the tee. It's interesting to be around all these other couples and seeing how the dynamics of relationships spin. Well, most of the time...

Pizza.

my favorite missed connections: #1

I often spend time reading Missed Connections on Craigslist. Before that I used to read personal ads for entertainment, it's sad, I know.

Pizza Delivery Guy Jacking Off near Nations San Ramon Last Night - m4m - 32 (danville / san ramon)

Donât know that you will see this, but Thanks for the show last night. Watching you jack that fat cock of yours in your car was awesome â but the load you shot up your stomach and chest was an incredible waste. Why donât we arrange for you to shoot that in my mouth next time? I know you were surprised at first that I was sitting in my SUV (you obviously didnât see me in there until you were way into your session), but maybe youâre more comfortable now and I can help work that load out of you â or even offer a hand job â nobody will know but us. You didnât stick around long but next time I head that way to grab a burger I would like to grab a hold of you first dude. Email me if you see thisâ.

I like this one, I mean a guy wants to eat a burger but then decides he wants to eat pizza. I often am torn between eateries so I can totally identify but I don't think seeing the pizza delivery guy's dick would sway me. Even though I have recently had a strange craving for Sausage pizza. Hmmmmmm...