I just stripped off my Sundayâs best, which in all actuality was pretty darn swanky compared to my typical summer wardrobe which embraces comfort over style. Hell, I could have shown up to church in daisy dukes & a belly shirt and I would have been more dressed up than my usual summer attire. But my lack of fashion is not the story here; I think the more impressive part of this paragraph is that I am implying that I just came from church. Why on earth would a heathen like the Christopher Brandon attend such an atrocious sanctuary? Oh, no reason at all except that my grandmother finally decided that she wanted to be baptized. It only took her 57 years to finally do it & accept god & Jesus as her personal savior. God must be patient; I mean seriously, if someone was sitting on the fence about me for 57 years, I wouldnât even want them to accept me.
My family is a pretty motley looking bunch. Riff raffs! â The whole lot! Why am I yelling? So after my Grandmother was dunked & the preacher was talking about how this is the rebirth & how great god is and whatnot (I admit, my mind started wandering. Suddenly it was more important to stare at the geometric patterns that my pink argyle socks were wearing.) Church was suddenly dismissed and after the 30th hand I shook, a man leaned over to me and said, âSo how does is it feel to have a newly born 71 year old grandma? The new baby in the family! *insert lame chuckle*â Wow, Christians are pretty unfunny. I couldnât even believe heâd say that. In essence the preacher said along the same things as well. He just spruced it up more.
As my Grandmother came out of the womenâs bathroom everybody ambushed her and held hands and sang a hymn. It was so holy and strange & letâs face it, a little disgusting. I mean, she probably just finished peeing and she looked embarrassed, so I imagine it was a no. 1, with a hymn to follow that caused her red face. But that wasnât as strange as me having to hold handâs with two full grown men who I just met seconds before. Al, a minister & Jerome, the only church Negro in attendance. A snap of a finger & heads down, me caught in a man-sandwich singing something about âhe loves me, I come with himâ or something equally as mistaken for innuendo & I swear to you, Jerome totally clutched my hand inappropriately while he was singing.
I must admit church was far more interesting then I thought it would be. By no means am I a Christian nor will I ever attend again. I only went because I was the one who encouraged my grandmother to finally commit to being baptized. In return I promised her that I would go & support her & when I gave her a big hug & told her that I loved her she looked so happy & it will always be a good moment & memory I will forever have of her. Now as far as being hit on by a girl at church, well that will be another post some dayâ as of right now, I think Iâll go make sure the âbabyâ doesnât need to be burped.
Posted by staynobody at July 31, 2006 12:26 AM