This is the last entry of the year, the summarizing one, the granddad of the entries, the errrrmmm… you get the picture.
This past year has seen me lose my best friend & grow distant from other friends. I spent 365 days here, in my own place. The furthest I traveled was a day trip to Monterey. I really dislike not being out of town; hopefully I will get out more often in 2005. I met a girl, she’s beautiful and beyond nice to me & I am honored to hold her hand. Just when I started to give up on people, she came along and saved me. She is by far the greatest encounter I had this year. I bought a ton of records, my top 20, or 40, or even 50 of 2004 will be complete soon enough. I know everyone is dying for the list. Heh.
I don’t have any real resolutions for the New Year except to mix it up more often. I’d elaborate on this notion except I have contracted some bizarre illness that has given me a nasty fever & I think my time of sitting upwards is over and I need to get back horizontal, so until next year…
P.S. New Year’s Eve is still the most depressing day of the year. And I finally have somebody to kiss, except she is nowhere near. Plus me being sick and all, probably not the best idea to makeout with me.
It’s so hard to love somebody and never get to be with them.
Christmas was/is ruined. Every Christmas hope I had, every plan I wanted to make – gone. I used to love Christmas, now I loathe it. I want this night to end; I want the glow of my neighbor’s lavish Christmas display to quit shining through my windows. I want a family who I can stand being around. I want someone to hug me. I’m a leper to my own blood, my own genetic makeup. I am constantly slapped in the fucking face by supposed “loved ones.”
Adopt me, please.
Yesterday I stepped foot onto a bicycle for the first time in 11 years & my balls feel like a damn speed bag. I think a new bike seat is in this boy's future.
And regardless to what they say, "it's just like riding a bike", is not a very accurate phrase. Seriously, I haven't felt like this since Chandra Cola cold-cocked me in the junk while playing flag football in 7th grade.
Andy Bell of Erasurejust released a press statement revealing that he is HIV positive and has been so since 1998.
I love Andy & you should too. Just don't LOVE Andy. Be careful everybody.
…It’s disgusting, really. I do things just to spite myself. Everything I hate, I do to myself. Late starts, unmade bed, lying in bed with no hopes for anything, stacked-up dishes, records laying around, cluttered desktops… I do this on purpose, I hate this place and I hate me in this place – more so, than usual. I’m overwhelmed by life in general & the more overwhelmed I become the emptier I feel. And with the emptier I feel, the more I become nothing.
Perdus les rêves de s'aimer,
Le temps où on avait rien fait,
Il nous reste toute une vie pour pleurer
Et maintenant nous sommes tout seuls.
This week I received my first Christmas card of the season. Where has the time gone? I swear I didn’t even have Halloween yet. Time is strange like that. It’s almost as if my days are spent suspended in the space-time continuum & the years, well they just escape me so quickly. I suppose that is the case when you’re older… You no longer have anything to look forward to & you wind-down the days of your life in a blur. God, how depressing… I need to start living in the “now”, rather than being stuck in the past or dreading the future. I’ve always had a problem living in the moment or enjoying it even. Which is completely absurd because for once in my life I have someone who loves me & wants to be with me. I have yet to figure out how to be a good boyfriend but I swear to you, I am working on it.
Anyways, back to the Christmas card… I wrote my very first Christmas song. It’s silly & recorded & sung poorly. It’s about receiving a Christmas card from a person in whom you’ve had a falling out with. It seems that Christmas time brings out the forgiveness & courage that we don’t normally behold. There is something very… errrmmm, “traditional” (for lack of better words) about the end of the year, it’s nice. I know for a fact that there are people who I miss terribly during this time of year. But its nights like this where my loneliness gets the best of me & I miss a lot of things. Some in which I could never really admit to. We always have memories, right? Well, that and of course Christmas.
Your Christmas Card
Don’t even have the words for goodbye.
Write it all down, it’s Christmas time.
Sending me your best wished
& you apologize
Should I forget? – It’s Christmas time.
Maybe next year we can have another try?
Well, things aren’t so clear – It’s Christmas time.
Wishing you were here telling your little lies
I probably won’t hear from you next Christmas time.
