I was walking around Shattuck Avenue awhile back, and I ran into this strange, very straight-forward cute girl. She asked if I would answer some questions for her homework, and I obliged. However, I think I distracted her completely. P.S. I hate being taped.

EB: I am doing a homework assignment on relationships between young people, would you be interested.

CB: Depends.

EB: Depends on what?

CB: Ummmm, nevermind. Shoot.

EB: How old are you & how many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

CB: 22 years of age. Not too many, wait do we include people we have had sex with?

EB: Were they your girlfriend/boyfriend?

CB: No, not really.

EB: Are you by chance gay?

CB: Why? Do I seem gay?

EB: Well, maybe a little.

CB: Interesting. No, I am just shy. By the way, nice boots.

EB: What? What does that have to do with being gay and thank you!

CB: Nothing at all.

EB: Sorry, you seem bored. Should I stop?

CB: Not at all, I am just shy.

EB: Okay, well let's move on.

EB: Do you think you are good in relationships?

CB: No, not really. I don't like the general idea behind relationships.

EB: Are you afraid of intimacy or settling down?

CB: No, these things do not apply for me. I don't plan on being married.

EB: Are you sure you’re not gay?

CB: Hey I like my share of "gay" things, but no, I am just shy.

EB: You are difficult!

CB: You are the one asking me questions. To me, that's difficult.

EB: I think so far you are the worst person I have interviewed.

CB: Why? Because I'm too shy? Wait, do you like Kajagoogoo?

EB: What?

CB: Nevermind, do you like music?

EB: Of course I do.

CB: I believe you. (smirking)


CB: sorry, please go on.

CB: I only wanted to be semi-famous so I could be interviewed, like you are doing now.

EB: Okay, have you ever lived with a girlfriend?

CB: absolutely not.

EB: Afraid that it might get too serious?

CB: No, I am afraid that I would be sickened by her home habits. I am pretty clean.

EB: Neat freak?

CB: I would like to look at it as, ummmmm... "domestic properness."

EB: Oh brother! Moving on. What do you look for in a girl?

CB: Well, charming girls with a bit of a bitter side, kinda turn me on. I like some sarcasm, but not too much. Like, she could be sensitive to me when I need her to be, but other times she playfully makes fun of me.

EB: I have a girl for you, but only if you pass the boyfriend for a friend test.

CB: I am not interested. Setting people up never work.

EB: Fair enough. Do you think you are sexually satisfying?

CB: Absolutely not.

EB: What? Seriously?

CB: Sure. See I have some sexual issues. The whole reason why people hook-up, is to get off. Well, when I am with another I can't cum. I can jerk off with them present and I cum just dandy, but not from actual sex.

EB: Are you joking? Do you want me to leave this question out?

CB: No, I am serious. Sex doesn't excite me anymore, I guess it's never as good as it is, in my head. It's sad actually.

EB: So can you get it up? Or just can't finish.

CB: Can't finish. Unless I go solo. I get bored too, no matter how wild the sex is. It just dulls me.

EB: Wow! I know some boys who need your problem. Maybe you need the right girl?

CB: Possible? I think it's just me. Oh well, I don't really need sex.

EB: Maybe you are really gay? Or practicing catholic?

CB: I wish life were that simple.

EB: Are you attracted to men?

CB: Sure, just as you are attracted to women. We all are attracted to some extent. I am sure there are women who you wished you looked like or something. There is men who I wish I looked like, because they are attractive.

EB: Elvis?

CB: Oh god, great skin, great hair. Of course.

EB: Should I ask you that stupid Pulp Fiction question, "Are you an Elvis man, or a Beatles man."?

CB: Elvis, he was sexy. None of the Beatles were sexy.

EB: (Laughing) Why do you keep looking down?

CB: Shyness & nervousness, I was not lying.

EB: You seem to be fun, do you have a lot of friends.

CB: Not really.

EB: I think you would be a smash at parties.

CB: No, I don't go to any, social events bother me. And if I do go, I look for the nearest video game console and hide from the party.

EB: Slacker video game type?

CB: My dream woman would be good at video games, challenge me, and the loser would have to perform sexual acts or cook dinner. That would be great! Oh, and she has to make good Rice Krispy Treats. And not listen to Ricky Martin or any of that horse shit.

EB: What credentials! Well, I am sorry to take up so much of your time, and thanks for talking with me. If you ever want to take that test, I know a girl or two.

CB: Thanks for the offer, but my answer remains, no. Could you do me a favor though, and send me a transcript of this conversation.

EB: What for?

CB: My website, I think the stalkers, and weirdos might enjoy it.

EB: Write down all your info here, and I will send it to you. You have stalkers?

CB: I wish. Thanks, and good luck on your homework.

EB: Thanks you weren't of any help, but I enjoyed talking to you.

CB: The pleasure is mine.