Staynobody

myself vs. myself

I’m so lonely, upset, ashamed & feeling as if nothing will ever go right. My dentist appointment couldn’t have gone any worse. As I was filling out paper work as a first-time patient, the receptionist told me I had a share of cost. A few months ago I received paperwork saying that I might have a share of cost, after the month of August. Well that’s fair & I was prepared to pay. However I was in no way prepared to pay when she told me that I owed her seven hundred & seventy-four dollars. Apparently, that’s my new deductible. I went in shock and I tried so hard to relax however, next thing I knew, I was being asked if I was going into an epileptic seizure & instantly, I couldn’t feel my body & I couldn’t see anything. Ray ran up and grabbed my limp body and sat me down. Next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and I was lying down on a bench, completely drenched from sweat, with a nurse hovering over my body. It took awhile for my eyes to focus and make out shapes & I knew that it had happened again. That I had blacked out, like I have consistently been doing since I was a boy. Embarrassed, ashamed, upset & feeling as if all my dignity was lost… I had to explain to the nurse about my condition. It’s fucked up. I am on the strongest possible dosage from the strongest depression/anxiety drugs & yet, it does nothing for me. Sure my overall temperament isn’t as gloomy as normal but fuck, my mind is stronger than these drugs & it scares the hell out of me. Because it’s obvious that I still have no control over my body & I fear I never will. I’m better at going out, I’m able to drive a little bit further, I can handle being around people for longer periods of time but my limits are still crippling the idea of having a normal life. I feel so fucking alone in this world, I feel like such a fucking loser, I hate it, I hate me – that’s nothing new & it’s nothing that will ever change.

Tomorrow, or whenever I feel as if I can handle it. I will make a call to my insurance and figure out what is going on. The dentist can wait another five years for all I care. What I am most concerned with is my medication & the billing for all the drugs. God… I cannot begin to explain how upset I am. I was on a long-streak of a couple of months without collapsing. I was actually starting to think I was getting better and now, all hopes are crushed. I want a drink; I want anything right now that will make me forget about being me. I want to be held. I want someone to despise me more than I do myself & I want someone to love me uncontrollably. I want to believe that I do deserve such things but I cannot.